I try and help you with the things that can't be justified... [CLOSED]

[halfspooky]

QUI: Danny and Six
QUE: Training again for the first time after Rex's death.
QUAND: Monday morning
OÙ: Southern district, training dojo
AVERTISSMENT: Discussion of Rex's death, other feelings, Danny makes an offer that Six can very much refuse

---

Danny canceled training with Six for two days in a row following Rex's death.

For what it's worth, Danny canceled almost everything those two days. He just couldn't handle life at that point and just... needed some time to settle down and figure out how the heck he even felt about it. Though on a conscious level he knew Rex would come back, there was always the nagging fear that he wouldn't. That he'd lost his brother now along with his sister, too.

One thing was for sure: Danny was not okay. Saturday's chaos had dragged old wounds to the surface, and guilt ate at him constantly for not doing what had to be done and causing more suffering by letting it drag on for longer than it needed to. Danny could have ended it quickly and cleanly and he didn't, and everyone suffered for it, even Rex. Even Six. Danny wasn't blind; He knew how much they cared for each other, and he couldn't imagine how it felt to deal that killing blow.

...Well, he could, actually. He had some experience in that kind of trauma. It was gut-wrenching. Six may have been a hardened assassin with God knows how many kills under his belt, but family was family, and Danny needed to make sure he was okay.

On the third day -- the second night, really -- Danny sent a quick text to Six letting him know he was feeling better and ready to start training the next morning.

Danny hoped that what happened to Rex never, ever happened again. To anyone. But if it did, Danny wanted to make sure he wouldn't wuss out on what had to be done again. As he jogged toward the forest dojo -- though he could fly again, he still ran to training to warm up -- he mulled it all over in his head, trying to figure out what exactly he wanted to say to the man when he got there.

Comments

[halfspooky]

Danny watched him for a moment, trying to process it all. Didn't Six understand? Danny wanted this for him, too. "How different? What kind of training is it?" He looked Six right in the lens, trying not to let himself waver again.

[sixthdeadliest]

"It's a mindset where you turn living breathing humans into moving target dummies," Six said coldly. "You have to learn to make your morals take a backseat while you're in the middle of the mission and focus only on making the target dummy stop moving.

"Your first few kills, you still justify it to yourself: 'He deserved to die', 'she left me no choice', and so on. But after a while, a list of targets is the same as a To Do list. You stop feeling sick after a kill. The real sickos even get a high off of it. But it's the same in the end: 'Target is dead. Next.'

"Once you reach that point, you can't take it back. Not any of it. You never switch off the mindset. I found the loveliest little phrase to sum it up with while here:

"Nothing is true. Everything is permitted."

[halfspooky]

Danny shrank away as he listened, eyes wide, taking it all in. Six had explained this all to him before, Danny remembered now, but it wasn't any easier to swallow this time around. He couldn't imagine being someone like that -- someone who took killing so lightly -- or worse, a sicko who got highs from it. He didn't want to become that... but...

"Everything's permitted," he echoed quietly. "Even Rex, right?"

[sixthdeadliest]

"Rex was a threat to everyone. Anybody could justify that kill easily," Six said flatly. "Regardless, I refuse to teach another person to follow it."

[halfspooky]

Danny chewed on his lip, trying to process what Six was saying. "So... that's it, then? Dealing with a kill like that, no matter who it is... it's all on you?"

That wasn't fair. Not to Six, anyway. Danny tried to process that, tried to make sense of it all.

"I mean, I know there are some other people willing to do that -- and you've got your sister, too, but... I don't know. I want to help."

[sixthdeadliest]

"You want to help?" Six asked. "You can help by not putting me in that position to do the same to you.

"There are reasons that top field operatives even in the armed forces have to take psychiatric tests, Danny: the lifestyle can drive you mad. And those people are allowed to hang on to what makes them human. They still view their targets as human."

[halfspooky]

So basically, 'don't help at all', Danny thought bitterly, but he nodded obediently and hated himself for it. He wanted to argue and fight, wanted to stand up for himself and convince Six to take him on as an apprentice instead of just a student. But he had too much respect for Six to disobey him and risk losing him all together, so like the meek little nerd he was he just agreed.

"At least... talk to me about it or something?" Danny offered. "About your kills, I mean. Or anything bothering you."

[sixthdeadliest]

Six was quiet for a moment before admitting, "Most kills don't bother me. It's the kids that do."

[halfspooky]

Kids like Rex, Danny thought, his heart sinking.

"We can talk about that," he offered quietly. "If you want."

[sixthdeadliest]

"I don't want to talk about it," Six said sharply. "If I talk about it, I dwell on it which makes it worse. Better to work off the memory and whatever I'm feeling. Actually do something useful."

[halfspooky]

"...All right. Guess we should, uh, get back to training then, huh?" Danny said with a nervous shrug. Man, now he felt like an idiot for bringing it up at all. Six probably thought he was stupid, at least -- trying to talk about feelings. He'd hoped it would work, but...

Danny straightened up, trying to forget about how he felt. If Six could do it, then... well, there were a lot of things Six could do that he couldn't. That was the problem... one talking about feelings wouldn't fix.

[sixthdeadliest]

Six sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Look. I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I don't want to talk right now. In any case, I was taught that no matter how bad things got, I had to keep moving forward. Stop and you're dead."